One of my favorite childhood books growing up, was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. The book (which was later adapted into a movie in 2014) revolved around a little ginger kid named Alexander that was having a pretty crappy day. I would force my mother into reading the book to me during our weekly trip to the Lancaster City library, and despite having read it to me several times, she always obliged. I used to believe that Alexander had a terrible, horrible, really bad day everyday, and that his day couldn’t get any worse. I also used to think I was just like Alexander whenever I was having a bad day…..pretty dramatic for a 5 year-old. And I wonder where Roslynn gets it from.
My 2018 was basically Alexander’s one crappy day on repeat for 365 days, messy red hair and all. Not to be a huge debbie-downer because I had some good times in 2018, but I am not sorry to see it go. As most typically do on December 31st every year, I woke up reflecting upon my year. Reminiscing on 2018 is something I’d like to skip, but all bad things generate a life lesson of some sort. Through my struggles with Greyson over the past year, I have realized that I will never change the past, nor would I want to. His tantrums, inability to communicate verbally and medical issues have only taught me patience and self-advocacy skills for myself and my child. And although it’s taken me 2 1/2 years to feel it, I am finally feeling a connection with Greyson. I melt a little whenever he says “Mamamamamama” on repeat when he wants something.
In terms of advocacy, I was always so afraid of what others thought of us, even dating back to one of my first few blog posts. I was terrified to take Greyson out in public because of the way others perceived me as a parent. 2018 taught me that I can’t control these situations and that I have to let them go. If people judge or stare at Derek and I while we ignore our child’s tantrum, so be it. If people roll their eyes because we have a backpack harness on G, I am happy to tell them the truth- we are working on him walking independently and without eloping from us. I was that parent that didn’t believe in leashes for their kids, but with all the crazies out there snatching up kids, the harness is a safety necessity out in public. Another plus is that G really does enjoy walking and having us not carry him all over the place. Also, I no longer feel afraid to take him out after a laser treatment, terrified of what others may think about his bruises and what remains of his Port-Wine Stain.
Aside from our journey with Greyson, 2018 has taught me to never take a day for granted, including seeing friends and family members. My family has had a fair share of losses this year, more in the past 7 months than in my entire (almost) 30 years. My grandpa was my biggest fan. He always toted himself around Lancaster, so he could be at my recitals, opera performances and musicals. When we lost him in May, I was devastated. Singing his funeral mass was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it really would have been a dishonor to not give him one final performance to say goodbye. Seven months later and not a day goes by that I still don’t think about him at some point, especially when I’m in the car and Sinatra’s “My Way” comes on the radio.
Seven days after my grandfather’s passing, we lost Aunt Carolyn, my grandfather’s sister. My aunt lived in New Jersey/Florida and most of our communication was via email or Facebook as I got older. “AC” as many family members called her, was always at our large family functions, bringing her fabulous outfits, hair and Jersey accent to Pennsylvania for baby showers, weddings, graduation parties, etc. She always wanted to take jazz piano lessons with Derek via Skype and her love for music also connected us in a special way.
A friend of mine also passed away towards the end of 2018, from a heroin overdose. This friend sang in our church choir and was working diligently on becoming sober when he and I last spoke. This friend’s loss especially hit me hard because he was so young, talented and had an entire life ahead of him. I wish I could see my friend one last time to tell him how much he really mattered to me and many people among the Lancaster area.
Finally, my Uncle Glenn passed away on December 22nd after a long battle with colon cancer. Uncle Glenn always spent Christmas Eve with us and other holidays/birthday parties as of recently. Each Christmas we would do our small gift exchange, which typically involved me giving him a Christmas card with $10-20 worth of PA lottery scratch offs in it. Until I was about 24 year old, Uncle Glenn would give me a different board game for Christmas. First it started out as Chinese checkers (which I had no idea how to play), puzzles, chess and dominoes to card games and “older/harder” logic games. Some years, I would receive the same exact game consecutively. The joys of having siblings meant that I could switch my repeated game with one of my other sisters, who also may have receive a duplicate. As I got older and Glenn finally realized who I was (there are 5 girls in our immediate family after all) and that I was moved out and married, he started giving upgraded gifts: candles, rock gardens, mini fountains and LED candles for my Christmas decorations. Christmas was his favorite time of year and though he didn’t have to get me and my sisters anything, he always had gifts wrapped, with our names (and our kids as we started having them) on each gift. I will miss him the most at Christmas and will miss seeing him walking around Lancaster as I drive home on 999.
With the losses over the year and the hurdles we have jumped over for a clear diagnosis for Greyson, I learned that I can’t take a single day for granted. I may be having my “Alexander” day and think a tough day is the hardest ever, but people aren’t around forever and our kids will never be this small ever again. Live in the moment and make it the best life possible.
With about an hour-and-a-half left in the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year, I continue to contemplate my 2019 resolutions. I typically try to set small goals for myself, but I truly believe that this year, I am going forward into 2019 with no resolutions, no reservations and no expectations. I am going to live each day to its full potential, surrounding my beautiful babies, amazingly supportive husband and close-knit family with gratitude and love.
I will close out my final post of 2018 with a few of my favorite photos from 2018. Happy New Year to all of my friends, family and those that read my blog and support me and my family through our daily challenges.